Hak Discusses Some Of The Finer Points of
Amish Reformed Graphism
The Canadian Amish Reformed Graphist Colony has a
"rulebook/bible/manual/text" type deal that's been around for centuries...some
say it was originally part of the Dead Lake Scrolls, but our carbon dating seems to be
somewhat faulty. So, here go a few more of the tenets, taken from the book " A Daily
Guide To Squishy's Miracles:
A Practice in Sexual Fluids Faith
Chapter 1, Section 23, Paragraph 3, Subheading "Vaginal Juices/Semen"
"Avoideth ye bitter foods in ye diet 24 hours prior to thine
wonderful acts of fellatio and cunnilingus, for such foods lead to an unpleasant taste in
the mouth of your partner."
Chapter 5, Section 46, Paragraph 2, Subheading "Jam of the
Toes"
"Avoideth ye picking at, running thy fingers through, those
little spaces between thy toes in the presence of others....for, who would want thy
fingers running through their hear, tracing their lips, or to be inserted into certain
body cavities when it is known that they may be encrusted with toe jam?"
Chapter 9, Section 5, Paragraph 13, Subheading "Beat the Ground
with Sticks"
"In order to truly obtain the purest essence of Squishiness, one must find a
large, open-spaced area, and swing at small white objects with staffs madeth of
Graphite...."
Chapter 15, Section 32, Paragraph 50, Subheading "Horniness and
the Crack of Dawn"
"In the times when three, young, cherubic faced boys spread the
evil of the Devil Cliche, there will be a prophet to show redemption....He is the one who
Waits...and he will utter the words "Well, I'm so goddamned horny, the crack of dawn
better be careful around me."
Chapter 72, Section 61, Paragraph 41, Subheading "TOSmail and a
man of fear and loathing"
"Afore ye lose all hope and faith in the salvation of an upturning of the lips,
one should not let the evils of TOS'er's blind ye...for, there will come another prophet,
who, smoking cigarettes, doing enough drugs to kill a bull rhino, and covering the 1972
Presidential election for Rolling Stone, and suffering the fear and loathing of Las Vegas,
will utter the sacred words,"Fuck those people...I will gnaw on their skulls...for
only then, will it have gotten weird enough for me".
Chapter 83, Section 94, Paragraph 5, Subheading "Polymer Based
Poultries"
"One must not succumb to the evils of non-polymer based
poultries...one must accept, understand, and revel in the wonders of 'Poly-cock'."
Chapter 94, Section14, Paragraph 23, Subheading, "Tongues are
thy friends"
"Thy must revel in abandonment over the wonders of the tongues
that Squishy has imparted unto us...for the tongues can be stuck out at those on the path
Squishy has forbade, can be used to create the sounds that maketh others smile, and can be
placed upon areas of the body that will bring much writhing, moaning and pleasures
incomparable to anything "
Chapter 105, Section 5, Paragraph 61, Subheading "Beware Dwarves
with tatto tears"
"Beware Dwarves with tattoo tears...for they will lead you unto a
path with those who weareth too much blue eye shadow, spandex clothing and tiny, white
creatures that will burn at the hairs surrounding your tools of Squishiness."
Chapter 116, Section 72, Paragraph 14, Subheading "Beware the
Ant-Squishy"
"And I saweth the Anti-Squishy...and he came from the Deep
South....Millions will love him, for they will be blind, and have really, really, bad
taste in music....for the Anti-Squishy will bear the mark of the Devil Cliched...he will
be the front man of a collective who name themselves after rapid eye movement....and he
will be Stipe."
It would literally take me YEARS to transcribe this text....but I hope the
above will give everyone a better understanding of what it means to be a Graphist.
Hak
L.L.A.
Bengali Tea Boy
Amish Reformed Graphist Colony
{Home Page | Links |X Files | Level V | Search}