The Life and Death of God Emperor Johansson
In 1734, a rebellious and impenitent young lad by the name of Anders Johansson of Finland was arrested and placed in the stocks for public drunkenness, debauchery, and “feeling up” the town mayor’s daughter, the lovely young Frieda Klamm. (Anders and Frieda were eventually married in the Protestant church which they later renounced upon becoming Graphites, but that’s not really very important to the rest of this story.) While in the stockade, Anders was mercilessly noodle whipped by heckling Pot Noodle Cult members. Johansson swore revenge.
Seventeen years later, at the age of 35, Johansson who had long since converted to Graphism was elected the 25th God Emperor. God Emperor Johansson, “The Terrible”, he came to be called by his enemies, never forgot the merciless beating he received at the hands of the Pot Noodle Fuckers. In the third year of his reign as God Emperor, he began the first of the Pot Noodle Campaigns which lasted the next 27 years.
In his career as a Warrior for the Graphite cause, God Emperor Johansson valiantly led his army in no less than 83 successful battles against the Pot Noodle Cultist. During Johansson’s reign, not less than twelve people were converted to Graphism.
It is on this account that many historians believe that Johansson ranks among figures like Jesus Christ and Napoleon in the category "individuals who shaped the world as we know it". Before Johansson world civilization had been dominated by smelly, priggish cultures - Persians, Egyptians, Babylonians. Johansson shifted the spotlight once and for all. From now on the Graphite societies of the Stoneheads, Minihahas, and the Geeks would take over the torch.
Despite his hatred for the Pot Noodles, God Emperor Johansson spoke longingly of returning the war torn continent of Europe to peace. In a letter to his wife, he wrote: My Dearest Frieda, if only the Fuckers would all die already, then Europe could return to peace, and a person could find decent lodging and a place to eat. Your loving husband, Anders.
However, God Emperor Johansson never realized his dream, dying violently before the end of the campaigns when he slipped on a strategically placed banana peel and fell down a flight of stairs. He was succeeded by his own son, God Emperor Johansson II, who was suspected of having placed the banana peel though never formally brought on up charges. Johansson II denied any wrong doing, claiming it was “The Noodles” and vowed to avenge his father’s death if it meant hunting “the brutes” down to the very end of every golf course on the face of the earth. Further investigation, funded by God Emperor Johansson II himself, revealed that these were perilous times and violent men were prone to violent deaths.
God Emperor Johansson II continued the campaign against the Pot Noodle Cult or “Fuckers” as they were commonly referred to by then, for the next 2 years before he realized that he was terribly bored with Pot Noodle Fuckers and felt like doing something else.{Home Page | Links | X Files | Search}